It's just I look at myself and I see another person.

Like my physical being is not who I actually am,

I feel trapped in this body where I learned to call home.

But the truth is I feel less home than ever.

Hey, it's me again, sorry I haven't been keeping you all up to date. Anyways, so I graduated univerisity... go me right? Yea I can definitely say that is an accomplishment of mine. Currently, I'm working part-time at the Beer Store still at least I'm working almost 30 hours a week... but it almost does not even feel worth it. I volunteer at a community house once a week which feels really rewarding. It's just nice seeing a supportive group of individuals working together. Right now, we are doing weekly parenting classes and they are actually really interesting and educational, like obviously I do not have a child yet but its just nice to have some insight for the future at least. My mood right now is pretty weak-- like I feel kind of pathetic and lazy (sloth) I guess? I mean this is my first day off I have had in like 8 days but I feel like I don't necessarily do anything at work anyways. My manager makes me feel pathetic and useless nevermind stupid and small (which is ironic considering I'm the one with a university degree and I'm significantly taller than he is). Whenever I'm working with him I just get thrown to empties and the full-timers or Tyler get to put beer away and do load changes, the man barely knows how to spell my name... my name is Vanessa.. like it's not an uncommon name. Like I feel very unheard at work and I feel like I have to constantly repeat myself and he does not listen and no one else really listens or cares either. Like I see myself speaking to people and they are not really listening to me just hearing me/ putting up with me. I just don't feel comfortable working there anymore or feel welcomed there anymore. I want to transfer. I feel lazy because I don't do much with my life. Like I work and watch netflix and cuddle. I just don't feel like doing anything else. Like I keep telling myself in my head to do that or I'm going to do this, but I never actually do it. I guess, I'm just too depressed to actually do things. I rarely feel like myself anymore. I feel like I will never amount to anything. I constantly feel I'm dragging others down with me especially Myke. I feel like he has so much potential, he could go so far in life. He's smart, he literally can memorize a whole script in a movie just by watching it once. He knows so much about sports and statistics about each athlete born from 1970s-present day especially hockey and football. He's talented as hell in playing sports too, like i wouldn't say he'll be a pro athlete but anything he picks up he can master. He does not easily quit on something he puts his mind to... he makes sure he completely understands something before he states he gets it. He's so compassionate and loving its so inspiring. That's why I personally think he can do so much better. The guy could get any motivated, successful and beautiful woman in the world and some reason he decides to be with me, which is none of the described attributes. I can't even motivate myself to make myself breakfast in the morning sometimes. I have never finished anything I have started except school, which basically I did not finish too... cause I wanted to get my Ph.D but guess that is never happening considering my lack of intelligence. Don't get me wrong, I love learning new things, I just do not have the capacity to recall 89% of the correct information that I have been taught. I just feel so stuck; in every single situation I am in: finances, schooling, hobbies, relationships, independence, etc. etc. Work keeps me in a black hole of finances because I will never make more than $14/hr, any job I apply to I'm unqualified for or no one calls me back, OSAP has changed now so I have to pay 70% more loans than before because I'm trying to go get my certificate to become a Social Worker to get out of this financial hole, than on top of that I can't be independent because I can not afford to live by myself, I can not afford a car right now, which makes my relationships with friends suffer because I don't want to bus out for 10 mins to hangout because I live 1hr and half away by bus. My hobbies are expensive or I'm unmotivated to do them. I'm sick of my mindset but it's very difficult to get out of an ongoing mindset once its stuck for so long. I need some sort of change. On the upside, I will be going to BC in two months. Maybe that'll help?

Lately, I've been feeling so off about myself. Nothing makes me happy nothing something makes me feel like I'm missing something. 

I don't know what of. It's kind of effecting my relationships with friends.. I just stopped caring idk. Like i dont feel like going out or making plans so seeing anyone. When I am with people I would much rather be at home. I just don't understand what is going on with me... 

I just feel like this isn't where I'm suppose to be this is not where I want to be. Help.

​

Want to know something I just don't get? 

How you can go from being absolutely inlove with someone to absolutely nothing at all. 

Can someone please explain this to me? 

In a long period of time, yes I can relate... but in the span of a few months? 

In my head it just doesn't make any sense.

I just keep going over and over and over about what could've been what should've done or what I should've not done.

But thats it.

I can't change what has already been done.

Everything that i thought would bring you closer or I thought it was better for you to know was just so stupid of me.

Why did I think any of that would help? 

Of course it won't.

You just wanted a friend.

You didn't need any more bullshit in your life, you don't have time for a girlfriend I mean who really does anyways? 

There isn't enough hours in the day for just you nevertheless another human being. 

The stupid thing is ... 

    Love is so worth it tho. 

The pain, the distance, the hard effort. The fact that you know you worked really hard for that person and you have exactly who you want is such an amazing feeling, especially because love is such an extraordinary feeling that nothing else can compare.

I know right? soft?

idk just lately I've been so fucking salty about love that I feel like I should idk say something mushy.. 

I mean I DON'T HATE LOVE .. 

I mean who can?

It's just hard to admit you are a softy when youre so exhausted about the subject when the one time you think its finally going to work out... it doesn't 

and at first you think to yourself .. yea I'll be fine.

but a month goes by...

then two.

then maybe three 

and finally its the fourth month of not talking to someone you're completely inlove with and you begin to doubt absolutely everything that has ever happened and you begin to wonder if it was all in your head and they stop liking your instagram posts and they are almost never online.. and you start to catch yourself forgetting the sound of their voice or even what they look like.. 

so you go on their social media and what do you do? 

just look at their pic just to remember them alittle bit or just to check up to see if.. idk if they are alive.

HA 

then one post goes to another. then you start seeing their frequent activity and then see. Oh. they liked another girls.. instagram post... the same time you posted a pic but they didn't like yours...

then you start to see a pattern with them liking her posts and your mind wonders. 

and somehow by the end of it you're laying upside down on your bed crying because your bed sheets don't smell like home and you feel all alone in the world but you aren't.

and you will be okay. 

and you keep telling yourself that.. but it's hard because you just want to give up.

I mean nothing really is going right. 

i mean EVERY THING is a mess. 

You have no job.

You are slowly getting into debt. 

You are not doing well enough in school to get into graduate school.

You are the family disappointment

Your skin isn't looking any better then it did in the seventh grade

Your dog doesn't love you

Your favourite thing in the whole world passed away

You don't really have a best friend

You are tired all the time 

hahah but plot twist you can't sleep.

You are half good at everything 

but are a perfectionist.

You never seem to be happy with what you have.

You know too much for your own good.

But you also don't know anything. 

You keep lying to yourself that you aren't addicted to weed 

but you are.

You need it.

know why? 

Because look at yourself.

You're a fucking mess.

All these feelings you are hiding inside are slowly killing you. 

and theres nothing you can do about it until they do.

-v.p 08/10/16

8 de julho

Advice to follow:

1. Get some cheap dishes and break them when you get upset.
2. Learn how to say “NO” and don’t feel guilty about it
3. Buy something frivolous for yourself once in awhile, like a new hat. 
4. Never again do anything you don’t want to do. 

“Who hurt you so much that you started to hate yourself?”

.... 

so many people 

.. 

more like i hurt myself enough to hurt the people i love to hurt me even more than I could ever hurt another person.

What if my soul purpose in life was just to fill-in-the-blanks but than again what if my purpose was to create an impact and motivate the people's lives around me.   

April 25th, 2015

Maybe.. the one's who committed suicide are the ones that won.. 

They are the one's that realized the truth about life.. that the meaning of life is to die.

I mean like it makes sense.. to die. 

People will remember you.. you are kinda legendary.. especially suicide victims.. who can forget a tragedy like that? 

Right.. no one. 

Like what if life is all about you making an impact on people's lives just so they can remember you after your pathetic death. 

The unfortuate thing about life is it is continous .. no matter what even if your time stops.. time never stops.. it just continues and you just beccome slowly forgotten.. like a lost memory in a person with Alzemers .. it's rather sad.

To live such a horrific life just to be forgotten.. 

kinda pathetic if you think about it.. 

November 11th, 14. 

Okay. so I thought I was going to be stressed this week because I have 3 midterms next week and an essay due. BUT THEN I realized my essay isn't due until December 2nd and I almost cried out with joy. soooo happy, wooo. Kay so I'm not sure what's going on with me and Matt like tbh........ I'll just let it be. Whatever happens happens XD. Like, if he wants to talk to me he will. 

Basically.. Kill them with Kindness. 

Quote of the day: 

"Socrates felt that it was necessary to create tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of myths and half-truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for non-violent gadflies to create the kind of tension in society that whill help men rise from the dark depths of prejudice and racism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood." 

                                                                                                                                                                                    - Martin Luther King Jr. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Letter from the Birmingham Jail

can somebody care? 

anyone please...

Sometimes when you realize things are going nowhere, you just have to walk away. 

It's not worth staying in one spot with false hope of what you want to happen; 

those stupid expectations you have for each moment, whether its for him walking through that door right now and coming to you and giving you a kiss and telling you how beautiful you look today, that epiphany that he's never coming through that door. 

He will never realize how much he means to you he will never be able to express his true feelings for you ever again. 

The truth is he has given up on you...

want to know why? 

you're leaving him, but don't you worry,

You had to,

it was a matter of time I mean everyone moves on in life independently. 

There is literally nothing you can ever do.

You'll grow apart from all of your friends

you wont have alot of people you are close too.

People will move away

start a new life

some people you know will start a family

some will die before they reach 25 

others will just disappear from existance for years and than one day when you are in a cafe you'll see that person again 

One thing,

I dont want you to be any of those people,

I don't want to see you in the coffee shop and think whether i should wave or not, 

I dont want you to past by me on the street like a stranger,

I want you to be in my life.

I want you to be right at my side.

I want you to be the person i was meeting at the coffee shop

I want you to be that person holding my hand on the street. 

because you are the only one that matters. 

And the fact that you can't see me disappearing right before your eyes, is pathetic.

June 16th, 2014.

And it finally hits me.

You are pushing me away.

Not because you want to, simply because it is the right thing to do. 

but my dear. 

Its the wrong doing 

why you ask?

because my love can not just let go. 

It lingers throughout the night in hope of new found light.

Don't just push me away and hope for a friend in return 

because unfortunately after this summer... 

I may not return. 

      “Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on rocks the next. What makes you who you are is what you do when that storm comes” (Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo).

I've came to the complete realization on how much I just don't like people.

In reality the only person you can truly relay on is yourself, for absolutely everything ..

Nobody else can ever excel to your high expectations.

So you just sit alone in your room wondering when it'll go right. 

But in reality nobody really cares. 

We are all just so self consumed in our own little world not giving a fuck about the true whole world. 

The truth is..  when it gets too quiet..

when the silence begins to be too loud.

I really miss everyone.

"I'm not good at relationships

I always manage to find the flaws

sometimes in others

but mostly my own.

I foretell the ending 

then go and create the cause

 save myself

and end up alone." - The Realm of Possibility 

May 15th, 2014.

Its hard when you make someone a chapter in your book 

23/02/14

Guess what everyone?

I'm going to be fully honest. And say I'm so fucking messed up. I'm bipolar as shit. I fall inlove with weirdos. I'm constantly up and down. I don't know what is going on with my brain LOL . Like someone help me LOLOLOLOL PLEASE

30/09/2013 23:32

My life is just a big fuck show. Everything and I mean absolutely everything just constantly fucks up in the end. People are bipolar feelings go away friends leave parents hate you more and more. Honestly I just want out. That's all I want is out. I'm tired of it all of it. I can't stand my life. It's unliveable. How can one deal with so much stress at one time it's utterly impossible. I can not even stress enough how lonely I constantly feel and how much I feel as though I don't have any friends. And it's sad thing to think but I want to just end it .. All of it .. I just don't feel like doing anything. All I'm holding back against is the rumours or the feelings people will have. Or the fake people who would say oh she was such a nice girl. She shouldn't have died. Well fucking prove to me fucking prove to me that I mean something to you. Don't brush me aside don't say you talked to me when only I made the effort and certainly don't say you loved me when you felt nothing all along. Fuck people I'm done.

See thats the thing about life.. 

You never know what you really want. I'm just on the fence. I can't decide.. My problem, you ask ? the past, present, future; time. Its hard once you miss.. the person , how a person was. The difficultly in that is you constantly fool yourself with thinking, they are the same person they will always be the one person you miss. But.. are they? Maybe. It's possible. You'll never know that for sure. They can be hiding that person they once were, but you don't know that, you'll never know that. It's okay to miss things on how it was, but you need to accept thats how it was. The constant wonder of: do they miss you too, do they feel that same emptiness you feel ? They will never admit to it, I mean would you? If you had the chance? Would you walk up to them one day and say: Hey you remember me ? I miss you. The real one. Not the one that consumed the good. I may be brave, but not that fearless. I just hate the constant, look I see, the hurt, the regret, the emptiness your eyes appear to reflect. It's not you. They once carried hope, wonder, love and compassion. I miss realism. I miss the feel of the truth. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. The truth is what you want to believe? or facts that point to the half truths to a half lie? 

Or

What if you made the wrong choice? What if it wasn't suppose to end up like this? What if there is still hope? You can't hold on to it. No matter how much you'd like to. Don't. Move on. 

Also,

Don't regret your decision because remember thats exactly what you wanted at that moment. And if that moment was now, its the present which is what you want right now. Don't contradict yourself. That's what you'll regret in the end.

See my problem is that I hold on to the past too much. I'm over the people that were in it of course but I can never get over the events that occurred in it that changed my life. I wish I could easily just forget. I honestly do, but I can't. It haunts me everyday; like what if I mess up again? Cause that's when.. no one would date me because for sure I'f be labelled forever a CHEATER. Which is something I can not and will not live with. That isn't me. I am better than that. I can't stand the fact that people disrespect me after what happened.. I'm of course glad people actually gave me a chance after.. but who knows they can still regret it.. It happens alot can happen when you are alone with your mind. 

HI

Want to know why I don't tell people about my problems ? huh? Want to know why? The majority of people don't care about what happens in your life. The is honestly only a handful of people that actually care.. thats why. I learned that when I was in the LOWEST part of my life. I found out I only had two friends. TWO true friends. How sad is that? Danielle and Dakota. They stayed with me through it all and never left. That's why I cherish our friendship. Nobody or anything can take those friendships away from me. Because when I was on the bathroom floor with cuts on my wrist and tears stained on my face, you weren't the one that convinced me to not commit suicide, they were. If it wasn't for them that day. I wouldn't be here today, stronger than ever. Unfortunately, I let one person and one mistake take control over my life; something no one should ever let happen. It's YOUR life and nobody has the right to take that away from you, especially not yourself. Suicide; even though of course it sounds like relief and escape, but you also have to think about all the people you have made an impact in their lives and how your death will affect them. Sure, it may not even affect them at all.. but you always have to think of the possiblities and that it will get better. Sometimes even better than before... because sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you sky rocket to the moon and have everything you could ever dream of. Everything you do for people, effects them and the conscience mind will never forget someone that helped someone so much or has always been there for them, maybe it's because of you one of your friends is still here today because you showed you care and sometimes thats all someone needs. Is someone that actually genuinely cares about you.

my castle ; nbd

So, my life is pretty legit.

Like, I'm bored. Cause I kind of went over post limit for the day, yes thats how bored i was.. but I have 15 minutes until i can go back to it sooooo yay me yay for 24 hour days 

June 4th, 2013

    Have you ever experienced a feeling that you can't explain.. but it makes you feel absolutely sick to your stomach?

Like hearing something you wish you didn't hear, or knowing something you are better off not knowing? Or maybe being talked behind your back or getting picked on being hatened for no apparent reason. Or for me.. its being right, way too often. I don't even know how to trust people anymore.. i don't believe I can. Too many important in my life that I have trusted... left. I don't need that anymore. I'm a truthful person. The last thing I need is someone fake. I can't stand people that aren't true to my face. I'm so hurt by the fact my own good friend would hook up with my ex. A guy I clearly have fading feelings for. She knew.. that I loved him.. she knew how much he meant to me, crunk or not. She had no right to do that. I've been stabbed in the back. I'm just so done. Go right ahead life. Continue to torture me. I deserve it, it's okay I completely understand. I wish.. things were different. I'm getting really tired of this. As much as I wish its what she said I don't believe its true. ... \i don't believe ... Sara. There's just something telling me its not true... It hurts like a bitch. I'm so upset. I just I don't know anymore. 

A girl looks at the boy she once knew

and soon she begins to realize he's gone

Only the memories are the only proof 

about that the guy who once was the one who made her constantly happy.

May 20th,13

    Am I a bad person? Is it awkward on how confused I am with my feelings right now? Like I love Nick and all don't get me wrong. But I just don't know I should have a boyfriend right now.. like I'm constantly busy now. I don't have any time to my self. But it's not his fault no. I love being with him and everything. I just dont make any time ... like I have too much on my plate, I want good grades but i dont have any motivation to study.. or anything. I want to party but I hate drinking now because I don't want to do anything I will regret I feel like I'm pushing myself away from anyone. I barely talk to anyone now. I'm constantly stressed. I'm alwasy tired I haven't slept properly in weeks. My back feels like death. I don't like taking a shower anymore because it takes too much of my time. Right now, I'm procastinating and it's giving me the biggest anxeity rush because I know I have to study,  but I really don't want to. I have a Commentary due friday . I have a Project due next week and my cct is next week for Cosmo and I suck shit at it. I want to make honor roll this year but I'm afraid I might not make it because I'm slacking off like no tomorrow. I'm scared how close I'm getting to Nick I'm scared of disappointing him. Today, he sounded exactly like James, we sorta got into a fight because I got upset with him.. and he just kept saying idk, idk what to even say anymore. I legit almost started balling because thats exactly what James said than we never talked and avoided each other since until I had balls and broke it off. I don't need that again. We are all good now. But I'm scared. I know I love Nick. I love him alot. I know thats kinda big to say after only 4 months of dating Nick.. but I do. I feel it. We have the best relationship I just hate when we fight. Its... horrible. LAst night was the best night of probably my life... it was perfect subract somethings.. but I had the biggest heart to heart with nick outside.. at like 1 am.. it was perfect, I trusted him.. and now he basically knows the majority about my life. I made him my furthest... adn thats why I'm scared cause now what? what if he gets bored of me? He seems to get bored of things very easily anyways :( what if ? I just no I'm scared I don't want that becasue I'm honestly fallen soo hard for him. SO SO SO HARD. and I don't think I have the mental or emotional state to go throught eith what i went through all last year. I'm still nnot over my depression. I wouldnt be able to .. associate with people. I hate losing people. ugh. idk.

April 22nd, 2013

This is probably one of the best days of my life. 

I think ... I'm actually inlove with Nick Squires. I'm not just saying that either. I believe I really am. And I'm terrified. I don't... want to get hurt again. I really don't. I'm scared of how hard I fell... I don't.. want to lose.. another person. I don't  want to get to close.. because than.. he'll leave.. and I don't think I can handle that again. I know.. i said I don't base my happiness on boys. But before Nick.. I was a mess.. I couldn't laugh for the longest time.. i cried so much.. he truly made me happy. And I'm afraid.. that when he leaves.. too.. My happiness.. whats left of it.. would be gone.. completely. I can't deal with that pain... no. .. I suffer from one thing... and thats.. Depression. I know its serious... but I do. I've wanted to commit suicide .. I have cut my wrist before. I have felt completely worthless, I have felt lyke i was completely alone in the world I have been alone, I have cried so hard it hurt, and until i was sittting on the bathroom floor gasping for air. I've cried myself to sleep, I've cried right after I closed the door from coming home from school. I have faked smiled for months. I have cracked. I did burst out into tears when someone asked me if I was okay. I have cried on someone shoulder. I've lost friends. Good ones. I've made mistakes, and regrets. I believe everything happens for a reason. I have felt heartbroken. I have felt indenial. I'm stubborn. I'm honest. I'm weird. I'm a complete idiot. i'm a blubbling fool, I'm silly, and funny, loving, caring, have flaws. I'm Human. and more importantly I'm ME. 

    The difference between me and most people ? I'm real. I'd never fake being your friend. If I don't like you, you'll know it. I'd never put someone down inorder to make myself to feel better, I don't necessarily care what insignificant people think of me, only the ones that matter. I'll never judge you from your past unless, you're a coward. And I'll always be completely honest with you. Unless. It's for your own good. If I love you I'll tell you. If I go out of my way to talk to you, you are important to me and I want you in my life. I learned that no matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like you and there will always be those people that judge you without even knowing you. There's going to be people who you think will always be there for you until the end, but in reality they are just waiting for you to mess up so they can leave you in the dust. The ones that are there for you in your hardest times are the true friends. Unfortunately, friends aren't forever, we all die and eventually become completely independent. No matter how you try EVERYONE LEAVES. And you will be alone in the world, but don't worry you can do it. I completely believe we all can do it, don't you ever, ever give up. Sometimes you have to hit COMPLETE rock bottom, but all you can go from there is up. And nobody has the right to say their problem is worse than anyone else's, because no matter how small some people's problems may sound.. they may be big for them, that problem can be the one thing that makes them crack.

April 17th, 2013

    Okay so today, I’m honestly bored out of my fucking mind I gave no idea what to do and I really want nick to text me buut he’s isn’t texting me back… is it awkward that I was soo jealous when Sara said nick pushed her into the boy’s washroom? Wtf… I usually don’t get jealous that easily... I think it’s because she’s really pretty and he’s really hot and... Like man I like him a lot and I don’t want him flirting with other girls and she keeps snapchating him... and ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he’s mine you know... I don’t want anyone to take him: $ you know? Fuck I gotta stop being so protective with the guys I like… but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He’s mine and he can honestly have whoever he wants, and he doesn’t need to try. I MEAN HE’S SO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE... I probably going to fuck up again and bring up his confidence and make him into a cocky ass as well if I don’t be careful but I can’t help myself I MEAN HE IS REALLY ATTRACTIVE, LIKE REALLY. Hehhe I got so so so so LUCKY.  Like him. Nick Squires made out with me Vanessa Pereira. HAD SEX WITH ME VANESSA. LIKE OMGOSH. HE LOVES ME VANESSA. THIS is like big for me. The biggest accomplishment you have no idea. He makes me so incredibly happy it’s unbelievable. But at the same time idk how I feel. I swear to god this is a dream. It’s too good to be true. I still can’t believe it. Just in almost three months he already had a huge impact on me. We legit have the best relationship though. We are so weird and goofy and we just get each other and understand when we are joking it’s just fucking amazing. I honestly really really like him a lot... maybe even love idk we’ll see if I really do by the 4^th month. I really hope he can go to Portugal with me... can you just imagine? Me him? Under the stars AT THE BEACH IN PORTUGAL LIKE OMG I'm drooling just thinking about it. Man he is something else. Words can’t describe how excited I am. Even if he comes for only 2 weeks. He’s so hot just AHHH. Anyways, I’m at the dentist and I’m extremely bored out of my mind. I’ve been in Toronto since 8am. Too much socializing for me in one whole day AH D: . LIKE MAN IM ANTI-SOCIAL AS FUCK THIS IS CRAYCRAY. I was honestly on Tumblr so much today... I think I have just a little bit of an addiction but you know whatever just shits and gigs. I hope when I go to Portugal I go to other places as well... like maybe even SPAIN OMG OMG THATLL BE JESUS. I’d cry. I think I should just live in Europe I love it so much… especially the ocean omg… don’t even get me started. Jkk you already got me started…. I’D honest go to the beach every single day... and be so black and pretty. Omg I wish I was rich… that’d be sweet... I’d go to Yorkdale mall and buy GUCCI I BUY PRADA AND SPEND DOLLA AFTER DOLLA. Id legit has 7 walk in closets like London Tipton... One for My coats, one for heels, one for flats , one for purses, one for dresses and skirts, one for shorts, one for pants, one for .. Loll Jkk like 19 walk in closets... and one for lulu’s pants. Tank tops, sweaters, OMGOMG IM LIKE CRYING I WANT CLOTHES. Omg and a closet just for my bras and thongs YES YES. But don’t get me wrong... I’d for sure give back if I was rich I’d donate so much money. I’d go to Africa and give back. I mean my fam needs this we are literally living pay check to pay check its ridonkeylous. WAH I have to get my wisdom teeth out :"( . IN AUGUST. *tears* FMLLL so manny needles so much hurt.

April 11th,2013

    Words can not describe how excited I am to sleep-in tomorrow. I need this sleep so bad. My back honestly feels like absolute death. I'm in desperate need of a back massage. I'm so excited for one. Man, i just need a personal massagist. That'll honestly make my life. Lyke honestly man. If I was rich that'll be my first investment hands down. Like Jesus. 

 April 8th, 2013

   k so, sorta still miss james. fuck me. we were suppose to make our 2 year today... he wasn't at school today.. i wonder if he thought of me at all today... probably not. Its sorta silly though how you can go for constantly thinking and talking to a person one moment and then the next.. they can't even glance in your direction and you just sit there wondering do they still remember me? Did i dream everything that happened? every moment? memory? was this real or just fantasy? Lyke what if one day i wake up and its september again? ... Would i be where i am now? With Nick? happy but not happy at the same time? Jordan hating me? Cameron beginning to talk to me agian and Jacob? what if what happened fucked up the course of what was suppose to happen. Actually wanna know what's weird? Nick was suppose to date me 3 years ago, 3 fucken years ago... in grade nine Robbie was going to set me up with him.. not James... Like as if.. can you just imagine if everything was inreverse? and I was suppose to actually date Nick this whole time? and thats why I felt so fucked over when me and whats his face brokeup ? because i was suppose to be with Nick not James, I CANT BELIEVE IT . HE WAS FUCKING GOING TO ASK ME OUT. I COULDVE DATED HIM FOR 2 YEARS ... UGH. He wouldve been my first :$... i wouldve been his first kiss and first... UGH YOU DONT KNOW HOW BANBOOZALED I AM ABOUT THIS . WORDS CAN NOT DESCRIBE HOW RATTLED I WASSSS WHEN I FOUND OUT LIKE MAN. DUDE UGH. gosh nick GOSH ROBBIE GOSH JAMES. oh well i guess everything happens for a reason,,.......................... BLAH STILL A PISS OFF. whatever i don't regret James being my first.. he was umm really good... . Do you know what's silly? He doesn't talk to Nick anymore ever since Robbie talked to me and said I had 2 kills LOL. I have a feeling Robbie may have said something to James. And he's probably a little bbit disappointed and upset.. like I mean he really did love me... Wow I'm such an asshole. I'm so sorry. but ... we probably would've brojen up anyways.. you and maddie oh whatever this was totally 5 months ago. Nick is now :) . man he's something else. He constantly makes me happy. I honestly . really believe I'm beginning to love him... i reallly am. He's so much fun to be around. and idk the way he looks at me.. was the same way JAmes use to look at me... lyke .. he's inlove.. butt something different is in Nick's eyes.. lyke a kind forgiving heart and he's just so gentle. and perfect and ahhhh he just is incridible. I'm surprised how fast i have fallen for nick. I'm EVEN MORE ASTONISHED THAT HE FELL FOR ME . I mean i'm no where from perfect.. i don't get it hehe. oh well, He's mine though and I'm so proud. He's wonderful. He doesn't care what anyone else thiinks.. i JUST LOVE IT♥♥ Lyke you don't even understand.. gosh.Its amazing how much things can change... and how fast feelings do change.. for other people.. whatever. So I found out why Jordan hates me .. Actually well, Nick found out for me.. cause they started talking on the religion retreat and apparentally its because i tried to break up her and Cameron three times.. lol ok and im a cunt , oh and a bitch and a drunk sluut, and i cheated on James, like how immature can someone be.. like honestly... whatever happened between me and James is my businness man.

February 24th, 2013

I swear to gosh I'm like living the dream at the moment. Nick is just so perfect ahhhhh, hahha he's so adorable I can't even. We have a pretty cute relationship. 

February 15th, 2013

I'm actually so excited for Nick to come back from Germany. I think this could work will. I'm so excited to give him the BIGGEST hug ever :). Like honestly, I miss him :O going to be pretty honest. Hehe, I think I'll be alrighht being his girlfriend now, I'm use to saying I'm dating nick Squires :) hheh, awh I still smile and giggle when I think about it. I think I realized when I started to really lyke Nick because of that one day. That one day, where he made me laugh until I cried at lunch. I was having  a terrible day too, and for him to actually make me laugh tht hard, that's when I realized I think I'm starting to like him. Nobody's ever made me laugh that hard besides Danielle, now thats an accomplishment. AHHH I just can't wait :$$$ mawhahha, He's just so so so so attractive, by far, I'm so ecstatic I can call him my boyfriend ♥. LIKE MAN, THERES 2 DAYS 2 DAYS I just need to get through this weekend and that's it! Than I don't have to say, ooh, my boyfriend is in Germany. YAY ME :D. Okay, to be honest, I'm so bored, lawlz kitties, I'm totally not, in the mood to really work at the moment. Work is sorta really lame. ike somedays, it's pretty fun, but other days, it just drags on and on and on and on.. Get the picture ;)? I work 5-11 today, yay, closing, woo.. jk no. I'm preclosing tomorrow too, like man, I pre-closed wednesday as well, cause Emily needed me too, oh we I guess I need the cash flow. Today, I feel as if I'm starting to get my friends back, but like not the same ones like St. Nicks friends. I feel really outgoing lately. I think it's becasue I realized I really could care less about what other people think of me. Today, I made Austin Fisher laugh. Now thats an accomplishment. I guess I'm pretty hilarious. For sure I'm pretty fucking confident lately. I guess it's because I'm starting to accept my flaws. Like flaws are flaws, everyone has them and they are what makes you you. Flaws aren't always forever, well, physically flaws. In general, I've just been pretty happy. This past month, has been bumpy, but it's been smoothing out :).

VALENTINE'S DAY

February 12th, 2013

Alright, so get this. I, Vanessa Pereira am currently taken, no no, not by James, unfortunately I didn't mean as much as I thought I did to him... Apparentally, he has 10 blows.. 10 blows since he broke up with me.. he told Robbie it was 40 but I don't know about that. I have lost all my respect for him, and I really don't know who he is anymore. The guy I dated is clearly gone forever. He was a great guy too.. I ruined that. I feel as if ruined his life. Robbie told Danielle, that he has changed alot. You know it's bad when. But anyways, enough of my past relationship, I'm moving on. I'm dating Nick Squires :). He's actually a pretty amazing guy. He's really funny, tall, blonde, has blue eyes, plays guitar, fun to be around, and extremely outgoing. He's pretty incridible if you ask me. Currently, he's in Germany for a week, apparentally he misses me :$, but he doesnt really know me yet you know? I just don't understand how to have feelings for someone else again. I really want to. I feel like I'm starting to fall for him and it's sorta scarying me, considering of how attached it was in my previous relationship and how it basically killed me in the end. I don't want that to happen again, I really don't. Or maybe its the fact that I don't want to hurt another really sweet guy again. Of course I have faith in myself, but sometimes I just don't know, I don't want to mess it up. I'm so unsure where this relationship would go. I have no idea if it's going to be short or long or medium length. For sure it's not a serious relationship, what I love so much. He may not be my best friend yet, but I have a feeling he will be. It's sorta awesome we can talk about literally anything. It's going to be weird though, if he says he umm.. loves me. I just I don't know if I'd be able to say it back.. because I only say it back if I really do mean it. I mean I want to mean it, but I just have trust issues.. that's all. How am I suppose to believe someone, if last time when I gave someone my all, I got left with nothing, not even a friend. I lost him completely. The even sadder thing is not only did I lose that I lost my other "friends", and they knew, they fucken knew, how much he meant to me. They didn't even help me through this tough time for me, they just left. But, like my mom always says:

If they were really your true friends they would've stayed. You don't need people like that in your life. If they leave let them.

FEBRUARY 2nd, 2013

Sometimes, life surprises you. All you need is 20 seconds of courage. One thing I'll never ever be is a coward, that is something I can not stand or a liar. We need the truth. Life is about honesty without it you aren't living. Sometimes you need to hear the truth inorder to snap back to reality, even if it hurts. Would you rather live your whole life a lie or just live with the truth? Some people may say the first one, but i rather the second. I'm not perfect, actually, I'm far from it, but I promise you I'd never do something to intentionally hurt someone emotionally or mentally. I do make mistakes and yes they kill me inside, but I've learned you can't let them ruin your life. The best thing you can do is forgive yourself and move on, no matter how large or small that mistake may be. Mistakes don't define you. Mistakes are what makes you human. If people don't understand that than they don't understand the definition of a mistake.

Which is : 

mis·take [mi-steyk] Show IPA noun, verb, mis·took, mis·tak·en, mis·tak·ing.
noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.

DID YOU KNOW THAT? Now you know. 

Before you go on judging someone on what they did, look back on your faults and realize how they must feel at the moment. 

Anyways, enough of that. So the most incredible moment just occurred to me Wednesday. ME, VANESSA PEREIRA, kissed SQUIRES. Yup yes I know. I was surprised too. He enjoyed it too so my life is sorta made, considering I thought he was WAY out of my league, him being so attractive and all. Who knows what could happen :) :$.

I think I love those little moments you have with people on just a simple smile or they way they say hello or even goodbye. 

BEFORE YOU GET YOUR HOPES UP REMEMBER EVERYONE LEAVES.

January 20th, 2013

    Hey, its sorta been awhile since i last wrote on here. Well, alot has happen in this span of almost two months. I'm currently single, and ready to mingle. It's sorta funny how you can mean so much to someone at one moment and at the next mean absoluately nothing at all. I'm sorry, but you're just the biggest coward in my mind. I don't even care how much you mean to me, you are. Its stupid how you care so much on what other people think, becasue you'll realize in the end, you shouldn't. Everyone leaves, everyone. But don't worry, everything happens for a reason. I guess we weren't meant to be, for now anyways. Jk, its not going to happen, even if you come back, I don't think I'll want you back. I went through to much shit, you for sure wouldn't get off so easy.   

Novemeber 24th, 2012

    No one, and i mean anyone can understamd how much pain I'm in right now, how i can put up with all this I have no idea. I'm surprised I can fake a smile so much at work, when clearly I've been having the worst month of my life. My own boyfriend lost feelings for me. Well, I deserve it.. I guess, but know what? It sucks alot, know why? Because I love him more and more everyday, even though he is treating me lyke I'm insignificant. He is holding my hand, hugging me, sometimes walks me to class, but I can just tell he doesn't feel the same, the way he looks at me is different, and it hurts lyke hell. I don't know if we are dating, boyfriend and girlfriend, its just all complicated and I actually hate it. I would never be able to love another guy.. again. Going to be pretty honest. I can't love someone lyke that, it causes me too much pain. I wish he loved me.. he said he doesn't know, but the thing is if he doesn't wouldn't hav he broken up with me by now? Maybe, he doesn't know how to break my heart.. when he already did. I broke his, which broke mine, which broke mine even more, and now i could be a shit to him. I want him so badly i don't want to give up. but i can't just take being ... not happy. I want to be happy. But I won't be happy without him and I'm definitely not happy now.. But its either keep trying an keep hope and faith, God will do something to fix it or .. die inside. Its just so hard to keep trying on someone that hurts so bad, re-reading the messages he use to send compared to the ones he sends now, its absolutely heart breaking. I can't deal with it well. And on top of that, Jordan and Kaelyn still don't lyke me and it's just all my fault. I'm such a screw-up honestly. </3 I'm so close to giving up on everything. I wish everything just went back to things lyke i use to know.. I just want my baby and friends back, that's honestly all i want for christmas and for the rest of my life. That's all i need in my life to survive is to be loved by him and my friendships.

November 11th 2012

    Lol so , to sum everything up, my life just about sucks. Everything clearly isn't going right, everything is just gay and I'm ready to punch the next thing that fucks up because I'm just about sick of everything. 

I honestly, need you, so much, you dont even understand...

October 27th, 2012

I'm sososososso excited ! Halloween is just around the corner, and i just keep watching horror movies. Right at the moment I'm actually wathing one its definitely Scream 2 even tho i dont have a guide .. :$. Man this is so exciting. I love getting scared so much even tho its freaky as hell, but if i have a man by my side I feel safe ♥

OCTOBER 21st, 2012

OMG OMG OMG OMG , Halloween is almost here ! soooooooo close only 10 more days :) I'm super excited omg. Jenna's party is in a week eppppppp ! I love love love halloween. Its legit the best holiday, candy, costumes, horror moviess wiipppieeee !

October 18th, 2012

Totally not in the mood for anyone or anything right now. 

Just epically peeved off. I hate being the last option, and i hate being bailed on. I can't stand it. I don't I can do this anymore. I really don't I'm not going to go through the same cycle again. I'm sorry but I don't. I'm tired of being constantly being disappointment, its unfair, that i put in my all and you only put in half. No, this time its not going to take the cake. I'm not going to go see you tomorrow, so if you really want to see me you'll find me. It's fucking ridicious. I don't even want to bother anyone with my problems right now because everyone just finds it annoying so whatever, I'm just going to write everything on here. I honestly can't stand this, i just want to cry. Whatever see you next week I guess.. We probably can't hangout next week either considering I'm busy as fuck. So good luck with that. Just don't even bother.   

October 14th, 2012

    I'm not sure if I'm really feeling it anymore. I don't really know if the feelings are really there anymore. It doesn't seem lyke I'm that into you anymore. I don't know... we have nothing to talk about now .. it's sorta awkward. It's so sad. I wish for once, I don't have to ask you to hang out, I wish you'd say Vanessa, I have a plan, wannt to hang out this day ____ ? And you would plan a date. Is that so hard ? For once, I want to feel lyke I mean something to someone. I'm thinking you don't even care, what's the point? Our connection recently, isn't the exact best. It's sorta sad that we've been dating for over a year and it didn't even slip your mind once to give me flowers. I pretty much am head over heels for you, and you can't even give me flowers? Not even try to? Guess I don't mean that much to you if you can't even do that. Just go out of your way for that. You keep saying I don't know where to get some. Fucking bullshit. I told you where. You can basically find some anywhere. All I want is a flower, to show some love towards me. It doesn't even have to be a bouquet, one will do the trick just one. Not the fake kind, unless thats what your love towards me is, indeed fake. It's actually ridiculous, and I'm sorta disappointed in it. I'm sorry, I'm that much of a bother to you. It shouldn't be bothering me, I know, maybe its because right now I'm really doubting our relationship. I don't know maybe it's cause we haven't actually hungout in a week, but.. I'm really not sure. Is it really that healthy? To think about ending your realtionship once in awhile? I don't think so. I mean its true I do love him. There's just maybe something missing maybe ? Who knows? Not me.  It could also be because we've been together so long there's just no point of trying anymore. I mean we do still have each other what is there more to try for? In my opinion, if you really want a relationship to last and to be really healthy just never stop trying. On either side of the relationship, it needs to have complete balance, otherwise the relationship will shift too much on one side and the other side would feel abused or underappreciated. Not that I feel that way, we have a pretty balanced relationship, its the fact that sometimes it's lyke one day you care and the next you don't. It's just an on and off thing. Somedays we are best friends, other days we are a cute couple and the next we can't stand each other. It's just all mixed signals. You even say it yourself, "I don't know why you are still with me", well I think about that too, alot, but there is always a part of me that says, he's the guy. That's why i'm still with you, cause I honestly don't think anyone else would be able to even slighty top you. You just made a HUGE and I mean HUGE impact on my life and I want to keep you as long as I can cause as much as I wish we can be together for a longgggg time, I know that won't happen, it's impossible. 

October 13th,2012

Hello, I just wanted to make a tribute to Amanda Todd. 

Reading what you've went through and what you had to face, was absolutely heartbreaking. I personally had no idea how you could go through that for so long. Its heartbreaking to know that someone can go as to far as telling another human being to kill them self, you have to be a fucken heartless bastard for that to ever slip your mind and tell someone to do that. Never ever in my life would I ever tell someone to do that sort of thing. Amanda to here you ended your life at 16, at my age is so frightening. You could've been one of my friends. If I met you, I would've been behind you 100%, no matter your past. I wish i knew you and helped you out. I wouldve been your friend. I hope you rest in peace, lovely. ♥ I hope your story makes a difference in the world and that people will finally realize words hurt and stop. You for one didn't deserve to die. You were perfect ♥ . RIP.

Watch her story here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ej7afkypUsc&feature=g-logo-xit

October 11th, 2012

    ugghhh I'm beyond rattled :/. Tomorrow I have a concert to go to and no one to go with becasue Jordan completely bailed on me. I'm pretty sure she's mad at me or something :S. I don't know she's been sketch ever since i talked to Cameron last. Going to be pretty honest here, I think about 2/3 or my friends are mad at me. Honestly, I have no idea why. Its awkward cause only my guy friends talk to me.. and I'm pretty sure Danielle is ready to punch me in the face. Anyways, what Bryony said today, actually hurt :(, lyke okaie I'm aware I'm not pretty, but it hurts when you actually say it outloud lyke ouch :(. Way to hit one of my BIGGEST inscurity. Whatever. On the plus side, I saw James a bunch today ♥ hehehe, Man, that boy is wayyy to much on my mind :$. I don't even know why, he's just always, always there so his name just always seems to pop up, and i don't mean to be annoying :$ it just sorta happens. I don't lyke doing that, cause i know i get annoyed if people do that too. 

    Okai so yesterday, at work, a boy asked me for my number hhhaha, it was soo specil bahah, he's all lyke can i get a small coke and how much for your number ;). BAHHAHA omg. So, his name is matt, and his 18 just lyke the other guy who gave me his number. But Matty is wayy cuter than that Matt. Not trying to be mean, but he is :$ He's legit soooo chill. I told him about James ♥ haha , and he felt so bad about it, but I'm lyke no its okkaie :$ 

    Lately, it's been soo weird talking to my mom. I don't know she's just been different ever since the incident and when I told her, I had sex.  She's giving me more freedom, that's for sure, but I'm starting to miss the mom that was very worriesome. That's what mom's are all about being worried and keeping their children safe. 

    I've been soo cramped with everything i think my feet and back are starting to feel it. I mean, school, homework, sleep, work, the boy, friends, parties, concerts are really taking it out of me, I'm surprised I can do it all and still manage to not be completely exhausted. I'm legit actually so depressed about my grades this year, I don't feel lyke I'm really putting as much effort as i should be putting in. I want to do very well in school, especially when I talk to my brother and see how successful he is, I wish i was smart and able to speak alot of languages. He's just so good at being a grown up. I mean I have no idea how to write a good essay or talk properly or be professional. I know, I'm only 16 but i just want to be just as accomplished as he is when I'm his age. I just seem to be the screw-up in the family. Everything I do i seem to do wrong, I just can never been good enough for them or myself. Just lately, life hit me with a scare and that's why I'm trying my best for now. I don't want something so little messing up my life. I want to have a successful life, and a life that I want not, a life that just formed over me, I want to make my own path of my perfect life. 

    I understand, I'm not the biggest angel in the world, but I have never intentional hurt someone or made someone upset. But i can be a better person, and try not to be such a bother. I've already pushed myself away enough from people that they don't talk to me anymore. i really need to stop doing that.. but I was having a hard time that I had no one to talk to, but that one certain person, but it's good now.

October 8th,2012

    Another typical morning in the Pereira house. Parents awakin' before dawn, silblings sleeping until noon, the usual. While, I'm here awaken inbetween. I really should be sleeping but its hard to fall asleep after you wake up. 

    My family is probably one of the most loving, strangest families you'd ever meet. We are all unique and funny in our own little way. And the funny thing is we always understand each other's jokes, I guess thats what makes us special and a family. 

    No one has the greater understanding than my brother, we have soo many inside jokes that everyone has no idea what we are talking about at certain points. I'm so estatic that he came home from Spain, and SURPRISED us. Its actually incredible. I missed him alot. Being at home without him there was just starting to get depressing. I mean I FELT LYKE AN ONLY CHILD. I don't know how Kendra does it, she must be going insane. I'd hate to be an only child, it's way too lonely.

       My dadddy has the type of humor that gets everyone laughing, he's honestly psycho sometimes. We have a type of relationship where we get each other. But the thing is when its just daddy and me time. Otherwise, we don't entirely get along. I love my daddy soo much, he's honestly the bestest daddy in the whole wide world ♥.

    Now for my mommy, i love her to bits and pieces, she's not only my mommy she's my best friend. I can honestly tell her absolutely anything. She's my favourite person to talk to when I'm not having a good day. She just sits there and listens to what i have to say, and the thing is I know she actually cares. 

There's just one problem. 

    Sometimes when I wanna say something, I'm the last person able to say it. In my opinion, I think it's because they aren't use to me having alot of knowlodge because I'm the youngest in my family. But it does get a bit frusrating especially when I forget what I was about to say when I'm able to talk. 

But thats my family for ya.

Hold up.

I almost forgot the most important member in my family. 

Oscar ♥  ♥ 

He's my doggy. I wanted a dog ever since I could remember and when my mommy said yes, I can have one FINALLY, i was beyonnnnndd excited. I MEAN ITS A WILD ANIMAL LIVING IN MY HOUSE. <- inside joke. But anyways. He's such a character when you meet him, I swear sometimes I think he thinks he's human. He's the cutest creature alive. A golden retirever. I had him since he was 6 weeks old, now he's about 5 years old. Years go by fast, eh ?

Well, that was just alittle bit about my family , hope you enjoyed :p

October 6th, 2012

    I'm just so confused about alot of things. Everything happens for a reason right? Well, i dont want this to happen at all i want to live as a normal teenager. Is that too much to ask? I'm just so scared. I totally believe and hope God will help me through this tough time, I'm going through becaus frankly I'm scared out of my witts. My decision was the worst decision ever. I don't regret doing it, but if there ends up being an outcome for the act, I'll regret it incredibly. I really need God on my side. I need my period to come tomorrow or even better today. I'm just a kid i don't know where I wanna go in life :(. I'm just so confused about what path I'm choosing. I'm happy about my life how it was. Balancing verything out share it may be really hard but at least its a regular teenager life. Social life, sleep, love, school and work absolute perfection. If I could get any wish right now would be that again and not to be stressed and really worried. I'm in desperate need of pms. And that's a first. 

    I'm so greatful for what I have. I'm excited for prom I'm excited for alot of things. I don't want to be worried about anthing else but that. I've completely decided sex, is going to wait. I'm not going to even try. It's going to wait for along time. If i get through this. I told my mom whats going down and it took alot out of me. I'm happy i did of course but she looked soo disappointed. i didn't know where else to turn i was scared and so had to know i mean she had to.